


i will always love you

by juhotify



Category: SF9 (Band)
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Marriage, i dreamed about this and then i saw a prompt and it was like a sign that i had to write it and yeah., its cute but then it turns uh, sad i think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-15
Updated: 2019-03-15
Packaged: 2019-11-18 16:26:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18123680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/juhotify/pseuds/juhotify
Summary: jaeyoon is a CI detective and Juho is a groundbreaking engineer.They were meant to be.





	i will always love you

**Author's Note:**

> WELCOME to another shit story! i hope you'll still like it

Jaeyoon had his legs stretched out with Juho settled between them. He was resting his back against Jaeyoon’s chest.

Juho was biting his lip as he stared at the envelope in his hands. Jaeyoon couldn’t wait any longer and pressed a kiss to Juho’s temple as he snatched the envelope out of his fingers. Juho craned his neck, staring at Jaeyoon with wide eyes. His protests were drowned by a chaste kiss on his lips.

“You’ve been staring at the envelope for twenty minutes now, Jju.” Jaeyoon remarked as he opened it. Juho’s eyes were fixated on the older’s hands.

“Dear Mr. Baek, congratulations. We feel proud to inform you that you have been awarded the “Young Engineer Of The Year” as well as the “Federal Engineer Of The Year”. We are honored to invite you to the award ceremony in December 12 th .”

Juho was still staring at Jaeyoon in disbelief. Jaeyoon had skimmed through to the end. “We are filled with extreme joy to see you and a plus one in our award ceremony. Please write us back if you can make time. With best regards, the engineers union”

Juho couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He hadn’t expected his invention to gain so much public recognition. Not once did he expect to be awarded for it. He didn’t know when and how he had turned around, sitting on his knees as Jaeyoon had thrown his arms around him. Juho was only slowly realizing what he had heard. Jaeyoon’s bone crushing hug was pulling him back into the present. He let his own hands tightly hold the fabric on Jaeyoon’s back. Jaeyoon cradled his face in his hands, pressing short kisses onto Juho’s lips. Juho held Jaeyoon’s face close by putting light pressure onto his neck, rubbing his nose against his husband’s. The two had their eyes closed, savouring the moment until Juho leaned in for a slow, gentle kiss. They only parted when their lungs screamed for air. Juho hid his smile in Jaeyoon’s neck, who had wrapped his arms tightly around the other.

“I’m so proud of you baby.” Jaeyoon whispered in Juho’s ear.

 

Juho had worked hard and for years on his invention. He had constructed an implantable nerve. Jaeyoon remembered how Juho had worked meticulously since his college years.

 

They had met in their first semester- more like in Juho’s first and Jaeyoon’s third. They had met through mutual friends. While Juho was more technically gifted, Jaeyoon was his complete opposite. He was studying for the CID and had been halfway through. The more the two met up, the closer they got.

Jaeyoon had planned a romantic picnic outside to confess to Juho. His plans were thwarted when it started to rain profoundly and the two were soaked to their bones. They had spent their first date in Jaeyoon’s dorm room, cuddling and eating take out. Just as he had confessed and leaned in to kiss Juho for the first time, Taeyang and Chanhee had walked in. Chanhee was wearing a shit eating grin as Taeyang slapped him a twenty dollar bill with a designated sigh into his hand.

“You two betted on us going out?” Juho’s face was flushed in a dark red as he pulled the strings of his hoodie close, so only his nose was peeking out of the hood. Jaeyoon really wanted to coo at him for being so adorable.

“No, not just us two. Everyone else as well.” Taeyang’s grin was knowing. “And everyone lost to me.” Chanhee added, wriggling his eyebrows.

 

Jaeyoon was mortified. He was about to throw a slice of pizza towards them if Juho hadn’t circled his thin fingers around his wrist. “Hey, not the pizza. It didn’t do anything wrong- use the fork”

Who was Jaeyoon to not listen to Juho? So instead of the pizza, Jaeyoon had thrown a fork at the two laughing males who ran out of the room.

 

Yes, their first date had been pretty memorable. From then on their life had only turned better and better. Once same sex marriages were legalized, Juho had taken the initiative to propose to Jaeyoon. Juho had originally planned to propose on their anniversary but his plans had fallen into the water when he got a call from his lover. It had been storming and Jaeyoon’s voice sounded strained, as if he was crying.

Juho ended up proposing on the ferris wheel. The sun was setting and their gondel was standing on top. Jaeyoon had watched the city when Juho dropped to his knee.

Jaeyoon just stared at Juho’s moving lips until he snapped back. “Jaeyoon, will you marry me?” The gondel swayed side to side, making the younger snap his hand out to steady himself as Jaeyoon let himself fall in between Juho’s legs.

“Yes, yes! Yes yes yes yes!  _ Yes _ !” He whispered, pulling Juho closer by his collar and leaning in, pouring every bit of love and affection he could find within himself.

Their soft kissing had turned into a rather heated make out session. Juho had pushed Jaeyoon off him when their round had ended. Jaeyoon was smoothing his shirt down as Juho tried to pat his hair flat. Their flushed faces earned them more whistles from their friends. Youngbin had draped his arms around the couple, standing in between them. “Ignore those idiots. So. How far did you go?”

Youngbin was wriggling his eyebrows, looking from left to right as Juho and Jaeyoon looked anywhere but at their friend. Juho had shoved Youngbin away gently, making the oldest laugh and drop back to give them their space.

Jaeyoon had instantly laced his fingers through Juho’s, walking close to him.

While Jaeyoon had been promoted over the span of years to the leading senior field attendant, Juho had worked his way up in the company he had been employed at. In his free time he continued working on his project.

Jaeyoon couldn’t complain at all about their luck. They were both healthy and had no financial problems. And to add to their fortune, they had been approved to adopt a child soon.

Just a few days later, the nine friends were gathered in a restaurant, celebrating Juho’s success. Juho held tightly onto Jaeyoon’s hand, who had raised his wine glass to speak out a toast for his husband. “To Juho, for revolutionising neurosurgery and helping deaf people gain their hearing.”

“So, what will you two wear? I mean I trust Jaeyoon, but you Juho...” Seokwoo looked him up and down once. “Hey, what’s wrong with how I dress?” Juho pouted, letting go of Jaeyoon’s hand who in returned whined at the loss of warmth. Juho crossed his arms. “No offence, Juho, but you dress like you didn’t leave the house for three months. You can’t show up in a track suit to accept your awards.”

“Besides,” Sanghyuk chirped in “Your whole appearance screams engineer. Just because you are one doesn’t mean you should behave like one. Do us all a favour and don’t throw one of your math jokes around.”

“Yeah. Jaeyoon might have fallen for them because he’s an idiot, but trust me Juho. They’re not funny.” Chanhee lightly raised his glass, underlining his point. Juho’s mouth fell open, scandalized. “But you guys always laugh about them!”

“Juho, sweety. We laugh so you will let go of it.” Inseong was smiling in his glass, holding a laugh back as he watched Jaeyoon wildly gesture them to stop before Juho got whiny. They all laughed at Jaeyoon’s distressed expression and Juho’s sulky pout.

Jaeyoon pinched his cheeks, pecking his nose and lips. Juho couldn’t help but break out into a shy smile. “Gross!” Youngkyun had yelled across the table. Taeyang had slapped a hand over his mouth, curtly apologizing around them for disturbing the other guests.

Everything had been wonderful. So why were they fighting?

The closer the gala’s date came, the more stressed Juho was. He was counting on Jaeyoon to be his moral support. Afterall, it was a giant event which would be aired worldwide. Not only his friends would see him walk up the stage, receive his awards and hold a short speech, no. Not only his colleagues. The whole world would be watching him and Juho hated the thought. Jaeyoon had promised him to make time to go with him. Jaeyoon had promised to be physically there with him.

 

“Jaeyoon, I can’t believe you! You had agreed to go with me. This is a once in a lifetime thing!” Juho was fiercely gesturing with his hands, his voice raised. Jaeyoon had just woken up from a nap. Work had tired him out. “Juho, I have no damn say in this and you know it.” Juho scoffed, rolling his eyes. “Stop lying to me Jaeyoon.” Juho jabbed his finger into the older’s chest. “We both know that you’re in the position to decline a case.”

“Juho, how many times more do I have to explain you that I don’t. My boss wants me there. So I have to be present.”

“Bullshit!” Juho yelled, the vein on his neck popping out. Jaeyoon had never seen his partner so furious. “Fuck! You don’t get it do you Jaeyoon?!”

“Oh, I’m so sorry! That I can’t waste my time playing around with some numbers!” Jaeyoon had raised his voice back. “Sorry that I can’t just say no to a murder case of a little child!” He had slammed the water bottle he had in his hand onto the table, making Juho flinch. Jaeyoon didn’t know if it was because of what he had said or because of the loud noise he had caused.

“What are you trying to say?” Juho’s voice had dangerously went at least three octaves deeper. “I’m sure you heard what I said. I’m out there trying to give the child’s family at least some comfort while you sit in your damn office and tinker away.” His words were carrying a hard edge. They were standing close to each other, so close their foreheads and noses were nearly touching. It’d have been endearing, if the two weren’t so furious. Jaeyoon saw the hurt flicker in Juho’s eyes. He had quickly replaced it by a blank face. “Is that so.” He took a step back, looking down onto Jaeyoon. The two centimeter difference were quite noticeable.

“You’ve changed so much, Juho! It’s just you you you and you. You don’t even want to see it from my point! Have you ever thought about how I maybe don’t want to have my face plastered around the world? Maybe I don’t want to be there. Have you ever given that a thought?” Jaeyoon was raising his voice again. Juho was just staring at him with a stoic face. The words stung, more than anything. “I’m glad you’re showing me this side of you now. Better late than never huh?” Jaeyoon’s bitter laugh resonated through their apartment.

Juho felt the angry tears he had kept in fall down. “Oh no, don’t you dare cry now! Stop guilt tripping me, Juho!” Jaeyoon was close to screaming, his whole body tense from the fury he was containing. “Oh, now I’m also toxic, yes?” Juho couldn’t stop the flow of his tears as he pushed Jaeyoon’s shoulder, his voice cracking. “You promised me Jaeyoon, you fucking promised me to make time.”

 

Juho never had expected Jaeyoon to throw him into the cold water like that. “I went to all your promotion parties. I went to all of your press conferences. I always made time for you even when I had urgent projects coming up and my boss breathing down my neck. And you-” Juho hiccuped, forcefully wiping his eyes “You tell me I’m selfish?” His bottom lip quivered. Jaeyoon rolled his eyes. “I wish I never had accepted your proposal. I wish we never had gotten married!”

Juho felt like the words were ripping him apart, bit by bit. It felt like thousand blades piercing him. “What?” Juho’s voice was small, barely audible. His eyes were painfilled, his entire face crestfallen. Jaeyoon instantly regretted what he had said but he couldn’t stop himself. He was truly angered. He was working shifts. He only got to go home when he had collected enough evidence. And even then Juho’d nag him for coming too late. “You heard right. You twist everything I say and whatever I do is never enough. I wish we never had gotten married.” Jaeyoon wanted to pull his husband into a hug, hold him tight and tell him that he didn’t mean it but his mind was clouded with fury. Jaeyoon didn’t stop Juho when he pushed past him, stumbling over his own feet. He didn’t stop Juho when he grabbed his suitcase and jacket. He didn’t stop him either when Juho hesitated before he closed the door shut. He didn’t see the disappointed and pained look Juho had given him.

Jaeyoon dropped onto the couch, throwing his head against the backrest as he let the quietness of the room settle onto him. The front door opened hours later and Inseong walked in. He seated himself next to Jaeyoon. He hadn’t moved from his spot, except for changing his head’s position a few times. “Care to share what happened?” Inseong’s gentle voice ripped Jaeyoon out of his thoughts. He straightened his back. “I don’t know what you’re getting at.”

Inseong let out a sarcastic snort. “You look like shit, Jaeyoon. Plus, Seokwoo messaged me.”

 

Of course Juho had messaged Seokwoo. Why shouldn’t he? They had been practically friends since elementary school. “I fucked up big, Inseong.” Jaeyoon sighed. The older didn’t say anything. He just waited for Jaeyoon to continue. “I broke his heart- no scratch that. I heard his heart rip into tiny pieces. And I didn’t stop.”

Jaeyoon just stared at the couch table in front of him, his hands clasped together. He wrung them angrily. He wasn’t mad at Juho, not anymore. He was mad at himself. He let out a heavy breath when he felt his friend put his arm around Jaeyoon’s shoulder. “I don’t know what exactly you said, Jaeyoon, but I’m sure he’ll forgive you if you apologize.”

Inseong’s voice was gentle. Jaeyoon just shook his head with a bitter smile. “I’m not really sure if that wound can be tended fully, Seong.”

“Have you messaged him yet? Where did he go anyway?” Even if one of them was working, the apartment had never felt this empty. “He left earlier. Took his suitcase and left.” Inseong saw the guilt in Jaeyoon’s eyes. “Oh, you big idiot. Come here.” He pulled the younger into a tight hug. “I don’t know what I was thinking.”

Inseong just patted his back comfortingly. Jaeyoon broke the hug a few minutes later, pulling his phone out. He dialled Juho’s number. Jaeyoon couldn’t help but smile at the picture that had popped up of his husband. Juho was holding a heart shaped lollipop, eyes crossed with his lips puckered. He was just too adorable for his own good.

Juho didn’t pick up. Jaeyoon didn’t think much of it at first. He got a bad feeling when he was led to the voice message the fifth time. Juho might’ve been angry, or hurt but he’d never ignore any calls. So Jaeyoon dialed his number for the sixth time. Inseong had noticed how uneasy and fidgy Jaeyoon had gotten. He had to admit he was getting uneasy as well, knowing how responsible Juho usually was.

Jaeyoon was anxiously biting his lip, furiously tapping a message to Juho. Inseong decided to call once from his phone as well. “Maybe he doesn’t want to talk to you yet.” He had interjected. Jaeyoon nodded, he just wanted to know that Juho was safe. He didn’t pick up Inseong’s call either.

Jaeyoon tried, he tried until his voicemail was filled with worried messages from Jaeyoon. He tried until Juho finally picked up.

“Juho? Thank god, where are you? Why didn’t you pick up? I was so worried- I’m so sorry, I-” Jaeyoon was rambling, not bothering to listen what the other had to say. “Hello? Sir, with whom am I speaking?” It was a woman. It wasn’t Juho. Why was a woman picking Juho’s phone up?

“I- Who are you? I mean, I’m - I’m Juho’s husband. Who are you?” Jaeyoon was slowly starting to feel stressed out again. He was back on his feet, pacing around the living room while he pulled the skin on his lips. “Sir, I need your name. This is Detective Parker.”

“D-Detective? I- Yeah. My name. I’m Jaeyoon. Lee” He inhaled sharply, Inseong watching the colour drain from his face. He dreaded what was coming next.

“What?” Inseong barely caught what Jaeyoon was saying, he had been too busy with jumping up and supporting his friend before he fell to the ground. He was still gripping the phone tightly, even though he had dropped his arm moments ago. The woman was still talking, Inseong could make out some words along the lines of “I’m truly sorry” and “investigation”.

 

Jaeyoon’s eyes were wide in shock, a sob bubbling up. It didn’t take long for the man in Inseong’s arms to be a complete mess. Jaeyoon wheezed, he could barely breathe. The phone had landed on the floor, long forgotten. Jaeyoon pulled his hair, his tears falling uncontrolled. Was this his punishment for being so cruel to the love of his life? Was this the payback god had in petto? Jaeyoon was sobbing unhindered. Inseong didn’t truly figure out what had made Jaeyoon lose control over himself until he counted one and one together. At first he thought Juho had asked for a divorce but that wouldn’t have gotten Jaeyoon so riled up. He remembered the snippet he had heard from the abandoned phone and everything clicked.

Inseong tried to keep Jaeyoon from pulling his hair and scratch his face. “He’s gone, he’s gone because of me. I killed him” Jaeyoon repeated like a mantra, fighting against Inseong’s grip.

Inseong only let go when Jaeyoon had involuntarily rammed his elbow into his side. Jaeyoon let himself fall onto the floor and curling up in a ball. He felt so cold and alone. Juho was gone.

Jaeyoon hadn’t noticed how their friends had all flocked in. He barely registered Seokwoo yelling at him. None of it was enough to get him off the floor. Juho was dead and it was Jaeyoon’s fault.

He was to blame and no one else.

Juho must’ve been terrified. He never had liked to travel alone. The guilt was eating Jaeyoon up, making sure his tears never dried. The last thing he had told Juho wasn’t “I love you.” It was “I wish I hadn’t gotten married to you”. Juho died with these words. He’d never know that Jaeyoon hadn’t meant it. Juho’d never know how much Jaeyoon loved him.

 

He was choking on his own sobs once more. The TV had been turned on, though the volume was set to low, it still felt like the news was out there to mock him.

After their fight, Juho had left for the train station. He had been way too early and apparently had taken the next train to LA.

The train had derailed, half of the wagons toppling over while the rest had been absolutely crushed upon impact with trees.

Jaeyoon faintly heard Juho’s name being announced and, though he had trouble seeing through his tear stricken vision, he lifted his head ever so slightly to watch the screen.

“The awarded engineer Juho Baek, who was on the way to receive two awards for his groundbreaking development of implantable nerves, had refused to be rescued first. He helped, though he was severely injured, a handicapped child out. By then it was too late to save this remarkable man’s life.” There was a live transmission of the scene, with a picture of Juho being blended in.

“It seems like there was only one survivor and it was the child the young engineer had helped out.” Another person commented. Jaeyoon didn’t hear more, the pain and guilt taking over his whole body.

Juho’s always been a man of tradition. So Jaeyoon had organised him the most beautiful, yet traditional funeral he could afford. Juho’s smiling picture was framed, the black ribbon making it all way too real. Flowers framed the entire platform. Jaeyoon hadn’t slept in days. He just couldn’t. The guilt kept him awake. He was nauseous all the time. Jaeyoon had given up on eating, it all came up either way. So he just sat there, pathetically, leaning his back against the wall as he stared at the picture on the pedestal. The burning liquid was the only thing that made his empty shell feel some sort of warmth. He was holding onto the soju bottle, his wedding ring glistening under the glaring, artificial light.

Juho had been popular, he always was the more social one. Jaeyoon wasn’t surprised when the room was constantly filled with people giving him their condolences.

He felt another presence next to him. Youngbin had sat next to him. He wordlessly pulled Jaeyoon’s head onto his shoulder. Jaeyoon felt empty, yet each breath he took pained him. He thought that he maybe would feel better if he told anyone of what was going on in his mind. After all they were his friends.

 

“I wish I never had married you.” Jaeyoon whispered. Youngbin was confused. Before he could ask, Jaeyoon continued. “They were my last words to him. I told him that I thought it was a mistake to be with him.” Youngbin didn’t know what to say. He just silently held Jaeyoon’s hand, comfortingly rubbing circles with his thumb. “I’m sure he knows that you didn’t mean it.” Youngbin had replied, equally calm. Jaeyoon just laughed sarcastically. “Yeah. Sure.” If you knew, he thought.

Jaeyoon would never be able to forget it. The way he had yelled at Juho, the way he had made him cry. He wouldn’t forget how he was responsible for Juho’s death. He was the reason for Juho’s dimmed life. Jaeyoon had promised himself to stop crying. He had no right to spill tears over the man he killed. But he couldn’t stop himself- he constantly felt like something was squeezing his windpipe, making it hard for him to breath.

Jaeyoon hadn’t stopped Juho when he picked up his suitcase. He hadn’t stopped Juho when he threw his jacket on and slipped into his shoes. Jaeyoon hadn’t stopped Juho when he was almost through the door, hesitating with closing it. Jaeyoon hadn’t used any of his chances to stop Juho. He had sent the man he loved to his death. “I wish I never married you.”

His own words echoed through his mind as he suppressed sobs, choking on the air he was trying to get into his lungs.

Jaeyoon dipped his head back, gulping the bottle of the clear liquid in one go. He welcomed the burning feeling in his throat which made him forget about the pain for just a second.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> i hope you liked it,,,  
> i appreciate any kind of feedback!!! love you guys heaps


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